Deity Battle!
by Vanitus Omnipotent
Summary: Inspired by Death Battle. Do you want to see your favorite deities fight? Can you see Aphrodite fight to the 'death? Well, this is for you! With the OC's Jen and Greg, your mythological questions will be answered!


Rules:

No using mortals or demigods

No summoning monsters unless they are their symbols of power

You get stronger if you find small tributes to you in the battle, but lose strength if they are for the other deity

No outside assistance or the use of anything outside the contestant's pantheon or mythos

No attempts to use crowd members or you get disqualified

And finally, no cheating.

Xxxxx

-Somewhere on earth, New York-

"Looks like there'll be rain again, good thing I packed an umbrella." drawled a man looking outside while brushing his hair.

This man was a tall man with black hair in a bob cut style, wearing a casual black dress shirt, dark gray pants, a red tie and dark brown eyes.

This was a normal day for him actually, go to work, eat some churros, try to get a date, rinse and repeat. But today, well it might change forever if he finishes his hair before he realized that he was only five minutes late for work.

Beep beep beep.

And cue the sound of his alarm clock going off in the background, signaling his tardiness...again.

"Damn it." he muttered before dropping the brush and ran to get his suitcase before getting out the door.

As he got out, he noticed that he was getting a migraine the size of an asteroid, causing him to stop in pain.

"Gah!"

'_...me…_' said a voice in his head, very faintly that is.

"W-What?"

'_...ime…._' It said while sounding like a bubbly woman's voice.

"What's going on?"

'_TIME!_' The voice yelled before the man got knocked out for some reason, his body hitting the floor like a ton of bricks.

(Elsewhere)

-San Francisco-

"Nom nom nom! More pizza hot stuff!" yelled a woman while in a pizzeria eating bacon pizza, again this week. "I'm almost ready to get that ten thousand dollar prize!"

Apparently this woman, who was wearing a dark purple lab coat, a black miniskirt with only a red bra, had red hair going to her large ass, a single green eye with her other eye covered by her hair, was very tall with a G cup chest, was in a contest to get the cash prize, since she did this every week and failed every time due to passing out or puking afterwards.

But today, her luck might change? Maybe? Maybe now? Who knows?

She scarfed down slice after slice with people around her looking disgusted.

"Gross." One guy muttered. "Why can't she just eat normally?"

"Nom nom nom! I'm almost there!" She grinned before stopping and grabbed her now throbbing head. "Gah!"

'_You...are…._' Said a voice in her head that sounded like a deep man's voice mixed with a dog's.

"Fuck!" She got out before feeling sick and puked a little. "Ugh...should've….went fast….before hand."

"Not in my store!" yelled the owner.

'_You are….worthy…_' the voice said again as the world started to become pitch black.

(Elsewhere)

-Unknown location-

The man groaned and started to find himself coming to on a cold floor. "Ugh…"

"Ow…" groaned the woman while on top of the man. "Stupid pizza."

"Hey, who's on me?" he groaned trying to turn his head with his vision blurry. "Get off."

"Can't, ugh….too sick." She groaned while her eyes were blurry. "And...I see...stars."

"You're crushing me!"

She groaned while moving to the side. "Give me a minute….ugh…"

The man got up and shook his head before looking at the woman and blinked at the odd clashing colors.

"Ugh." She groaned while her body started to feel better. "Ok, what happened? And…." she looked at the man. "You seem cute, but not by much."

He deadpanned and shook his head. "Just who are you and why were you on me?"

"Names Jen, and I have no idea mister…..japanese stereotype? Really a haircut like that looks ridiculous."

He deadpanned again. "You're one to talk, have you looked at yourself? I can't tell if you're meant to be american or from some unknown country."

She looked at herself before shrugging. "I'm from San Francisco dumbass, and from the annoying tone you have, ya from New York. Just tell me your name and why you were under my chest?"

"For your info, I was going to work before I got a bad headache, then blacked out." He frowned. "And it's Greg."

"Same here, except I was about to get ten thousand dollars for a pizza eating contest, and I almost won!" Jen huffed. "Oh well, next time….when we get out of this place."

"Where are we?" he asked looking around with confusion to see it was some kind of announcers box.

Jen looked around while noticing that it had several odd tables, one with churros on it and another one with books on myths and legends. "Oooh! Is that Norse mythology! And oh my god! Greek! I like this place already!"

"Churros? Well at least there's good food." remarked Greg walking over and bit into one with a hum. "Nothing can beat a hot fresh churro."

"Pizza is better."

"Is what a glutton would say." he remarked bluntly while she picked up one of the books.

"Mmmm, these seem to be one thousand years old." She muttered while a large red gemstone encrusted robotic eye zoomed onto the contents. "But it looks brand new."

"Whoever brought us here must be nearby. But who could have done it? We were both from completely different areas, far too apart for a simple drive." He said before seeing the eye. "Holy fuck!"

"Trust me, this isn't the most crazy thing about me." Jen deadpanned.

"I know I'm going to regret asking, but what WAS the most crazy thing compared to this?"

"Trying to start a mythological scavenger hunt using real relics. Not my best moment." She deadpanned while pointing to her eye. "Got stabbed by a sword by accident and well….the one that gave me the eye might have been an alien. Can't tell."

"...how did you afford something like that."

"No idea." She shrugged while not seeing a ball of light appear next to them and created a massive computer screen made of gold and silver with a hint of mercury. "I'm just lucky I guess."

'Or clueless.' he thought before seeing the screen and jumped back. "Ah! W-Where did that come from?!"

Jen looked at the screen. "Holy crap! What just happened?!"

"I don't know! It wasn't there before!"

"_Welcome._" Said a voice from the screen as it showed…..a strange boy with a pair of wings on his back and a gold bow in place of a left arm. "_I am Eros, and I'm the messenger to you from the deities of the planet._"

"Holy crap! Baby man!" Jen blurred out.

"W-What?! T-That's impossible!" spoke Greg with a frown. "Look here, are you the one who kidnapped us and brought us here?"

"_Nope, that was Aphrodite and Anubis. They picked you out for your love of mythology and bloodlust._"

"Wait, how could you know about that? The first part, are you some kind of human trafficking ring?" asked Greg with a frown.

"_No._" Eros deadpanned. "_Also this is for a good calling, one that both of you must corporate with._"

"And that is?" Jen asked.

"_A simulated battle between gods of different pantheons. A Deity Battle if you will._"

"Bull!" called Greg. "I call bull on you and that! Why? Because mythology like that is stories, fairy tales, they aren't real."

"Shut your mouth!" Jen snapped while looking kinda pissed. "Mythology is real and you are just a noob! So fuck off non believer!"

"I'm being real! Yes, I do love mythology and readings the tales, but they are NOT concrete proof. You really expect me to believe there's several deities that do the exact same thing, just in different cultures? Oh yes, that doesn't sound contradictory at all."

Eros sighed before firing an arrow through the screen and caused it to hit the wall next to Greg. "_Knock it off, fighting won't work. And if you want proof, let me contact Zeus and HE will explain it._"

Greg looked at the arrow in shock while Jen looked like her eyes were sparkling.

"Wow! So cool!" She grinned while the screen showed a young man with white hair and had lighting sparking from his eyes.

"_Jennifer Kikyo, Greg Landon, you are in need of answer is that correct mortals?_" He said in a booming voice.

"Yeah, like where'd you get the fake beard?" asked Greg bluntly.

ZAP!

And cue lightning hitting him from out of nowhere.

"_I assure you mortal, my beard is real as your ignorance._"

"AHHH!" he screamed out before falling to the ground in pain.

Jen sweatdropped at this while Greg slowly got up in pain. "Told you fool."

"Ow...ow...ow…"

"_Now, do you want lighting coming from your ass or some answers Greg Landon?_" Zeus warned while making a ball of lighting from his right hand.

"A-Answers! Answers!" he spoke up in fear.

"Lighting to the ass." Jen said. "I want to see your great power lord Zeus."

ZAP!

And cue lighting out of the ass.

"_I cannot say no to a maiden._"

She giggled with Greg groaning and his mind racing.

'It can't be, it just can't be. Zeus? Real? Alive? Here?!' He thought in fear.

"So why are we here lord Zeus?"

"_Simple, as you know the various pantheons have been separated by the new cultures. As such, we all decided to try and reintegrate our deities back into the public, but we could not figure out what it could be. A new game, a book, or a random object that turns people into gods._"

Greg groaned and got back up while looking more nervous. "B-B-But why us? I mean, I'm just an accountant who reads a lot, that's it."

"_I am getting to that mortal. We were about to give up the idea when Set and Athena got into a fight over the last ambrosia cake, which led to several natural disasters around the world._" Zeus sweatdropped. "_But that fight brought up an idea similar to the web series, Death Battle. What if deities could be measured in a battle without limit?_"

"Oooh! I love that show!" Jen grinned.

"Never saw it."

Jen looked at him like he was nuts. "Weirdo."

"I have other stuff to do, it's called working glutton."

"I'm not a glutton!"

Zeus zapped both of them in the faces. "_Look, we selected you two because you have the passion for the supernatural and the realism to make this Deity Battle show possible._"

"But wouldn't a professor or expert work more?" asked Greg with a groan. "All I do is look stuff up in books and the internet, anyone could do that."

"_No, that job goes to Jennifer, a professor in mythology and the occult._"

Jen chuckled at this while sticking her tongue out. "He he, so true."

"Wait...SHE'S a professor?!" he cried out with wide eyes.

"Yep." She winked. "Didn't expect that Greggypoo?"

"But...But...you don't look anything like an expert!"

"I have the lab coat." She pointed at herself. "And several PHD's. Also unlike most, I'm fun loving."

"_Ahem._" Zeus coughed. "_Back on topic, you will be the co-hosts of this new show. And to that end, you will learn the rules for this Deity Battle._"

"Wait, rules?" spoke Greg. "Pardon me almighty Zeus, but if this is a battle between deities, why do you need rules? I mean, I ask because...well….you know."

"_Because if there were no rules, the fights might be bias and unfair. And I am a god of justice and law, meaning if you don't use these rules, I will smite you._"

'Justice and law? Where's the law when he cheated on Hera?' sweatdropped Greg. "Ok sir, makes sense to me."

"_Here are the rules. Rule one, no using mortals or demigods._"

"Makes sense, otherwise it'd be hard keeping track of the extras." spoke Greg.

"_Rule two, no summoning monsters unless they are their symbols of power._"

"So gorgons don't count?" Jen asked.

"_They do count to this rule._"

"Aw." She pouted.

"_Rule three, a deity can get stronger if they find small tributes to the related deity in the battle, but lose strength if they are for the other deity._"

"So they're like mushrooms or stars." spoke Greg.

"_No, human sacrifices or offerings of blades or food._"

"Oh…." 'He didn't get the comparison.'

"Yes! Aztec warriors! Go bloody murder!" Jen laughed with glee.

'This lady is a nutcase.'

"_Rule four, no outside assistance or the use of anything outside the contestant's pantheon or mythos._" Zeus explained. "_We do not need this to become a brawl._"

'A battle is basically a brawl.'

"_Rule five, no attempts to use crowd members or you get disqualified._"

'Well at least they aren't gonna try and use humans like toys, again.'

"_And rule six, no cheating._"

"Sounds ok." Jen smirked. "We'll do it!"

"She will, no thanks." spoke Greg. "I say that purely because I have work, and I don't think I'd be much help."

"_Oh forgot to mention this._" Zeus said. "_You're dead back in your time, well out of body that is. So until the show is over, your technically dead._"

"WHAT?!"

"_So have fun._" He said before vanishing from the screen.

"..." Jen blinked. "Well at least I didn't die from a bomb or anything right Greggypoo?"

"We...We...We're dead?! I can't be dead! I have a lot of customers to see and talk to today!"

"Relax, this will be fun. Lots of research, fun, making bad jokes, and all the pizza we can eat."

"No, no no no, nopity nope nope, I'm out." he spoke before bolting.

Only to hit a wall made of dark energy.

"Damn it! This can't be happening!"

Jen shook her head. "Look Greg, let's just do the show, have fun and who knows, we might get lucky and have a break."

"Aw come on, don't be naive. If you know so much then you know when it comes to those gods they don't give breaks. I mean for god s-I mean for goodness sake, out of everyone, Zeus is the one you should know can't be trusted."

"Um you do know that some gods can be truthful. Like the hotty Apollo….mmmm, hotty." She smirked.

"Oh yeah, and be sore losers. Hello? King Midas? Apollo couldn't handle someone being better than him at music and made the king look like a jackass, literally."

"Look, this might be fun." Jen smirked. "I mean this could help us get to know each other better, and maybe get some questions answered. Like would a Hindu deity beat a Egyptian Deity. Mmmm, which is your favorite god or goddess Greg?"

"None, to me they are all the same." he answered bluntly.

"Just tell me before I kick you in the crotch." She deadpanned.

"You think I won't retaliate because you're a woman? I've taken a few self defense classes, so-"

KICK!

And cue a hard kick to the balls.

"Black belt in Taekwondo." Jen said seriously. "Now tell me or I'll hit harder."

"Owwwwww."

"Tell me Greg." She said while getting ready for another kick to the balls.

"Ok ok! Geez." he groaned in pain. "It's...ow...Ra."

"Good." Jen smiled. "Now think of how Ra would do when faced with an opponent from another pantheon, who would win and why. I know the myths, and you know the logical aspects of a fight. So perhaps we can answer the questions without accidentally acting like weebs and noobs from an anime convention."

'I've never even been to one you idiot!'

"Oh and also." She whispered in his ear. "We might get guests, females that might want to do it with you."

'Once again, bull.' He thought before noticing a camera recording them right in front of them. 'Wait, what's a camera doing here?'

"Huh." Jen said while looking at the camera. "Looks like this is our pilot. Well….that's nice. I wonder how many viewers are watching us? Hopefully millions of hot guys and gals!"

'Who would watch something this crazy?' He thought before noticing something on the screen.

That being two names, Hades and Anubis.

"Ok." Jen nodded. "Looks like this is our first real episode, so Greggypoo, I hope we can be good co-hosts together."

'I hope I can find a way back home.' He thought with a groan.

_Next time on Deity Battle!_

_Anubis!_

_Hades!_

_The gods of the underworld join the battle!_


End file.
